TV Shows To Help You Make It Through a Day Without Oprah

I haven’t watched television in over a year. I don’t even have my TV hooked up and was recently reminded that there was a Weather Channel.

So I missed Oprah’s last show on Wednesday as well as her spiritual celebrity extravaganza at the United Center the preceding days . I would have liked to have seen it if only to remind Maria Shriver that at least Arnold didn’t have one of their kids lobotomized and sent to live in Wisconsin, the way her grandfather, old Joe Kennedy did.

I’m not an intellectual. I’m just really, really cheap. I love television and someday I hope to have it again. In the meantime, if you’re frantically hitting the TV remote at 9 a.m. Thursday morning, jonesing for your Oprah fix, here are some helpful alternatives, courtesy of AOL Television:

The Jeffersons (Me-Too TV) – Just like Oprah, it took a whole lot of tryin’ for George and Wheezy Jefferson just to make it up that hill. Louise is taking French lessons and makes friends with one of her classmates, who happens to be a man. George is furious when he finds out and can’t believe that a woman and man can be just friends. Naturally, an argument ensues. Looks like George is going to be riding the couch in this hilarious episode.

Webster (U-Too) – I always found shows with pint-sized actors of 20 playing characters who were supposed to be 5 years old somewhat disturbing. Still, there’s nothing like that scamp Webster to put a smile on your face. Oooo, looks like U-Too will be showing the pilot.

Supernanny (Style TV) – I love Jo Frost, the British no-nonsense nanny who dispenses advice to dysfunctional families. However, I can’t watch this show for five minutes without wanting to smack these bratty childrens’ parents.

Dr. Phil (WCIU, the ‘U’) – Never understood what Oprah saw in this boob. Looks like Dr. Phil is going to be screaming at 24-year-old twins who are mooching off their parents.

Supernatural (TNT) – Oh boy, a bug invasion. Bees, locusts, spiders and beetles swarm upon a town when a new housing development is built atop an Indian burial ground.

Governmental Access TV (Ch. 4) – Village board meetings, community announcements, awkward talk show hosts – it doesn’t get any better than this.

Come to think of it, maybe I’ll just continue watching this crap for free on the Internet and avoid the $100 monthly cable bill.