What's the Worst Christmas Song? Patch Editors Will Sing it For You

In that dead zone between "It's Christmas Day!" and "I've been listening to this song for a month!" which holiday tune do you never want to hear again?

They've taken over your radio stations. You've heard them blasted in stores since August. They've even crept into your dreams.

Now's your chance to pick the worst, most annoying Christmas "classic" that threatens to make you ho-ho-homicidal this holiday season.

We've racked our brains and polled our Facebook fans to come up with 13 of the best of the worst. Vote in the poll below and then, in a special Christmas Day video, your local Patch editors will perform your pick as a Christmas gift to you. That's right. Patch sings.

So prepare your cups of cheer and humiliation, because here are the 13 contestants:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Synopsis: A young boy suspects his mother is having an extramarital affair. This, in the universe of the song, is festive.

Last Christmas
Synopsis: George Michael of Wham! got dumped on Dec. 26, 1983. Submitted by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Kelly Wilson.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Synopsis: Christmas at Andy Williams' house includes ghost stories.

I Farted on Santa's Lap
Synopsis: Uh... yup. Submitted by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Nancy Rosenbaum Potter.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Synopsis: Santa has the same notions of child-rearing that Sting has of romance in Every Breath You Take. For extra creepiness, here's a horrifyingly robotic version by horrifying robot Justin Bieber.

The Christmas Shoes
Synopsis: Our lone entry in the "sad beyond words" category, a boy tries to buy his mother shoes to die in on Christmas Eve, but he can't afford them. And then the boy gets hit by a truck. And the truck driver gets cancer. And then the truck driver's dog needs to be put down. And then the vet who puts the dog down gets cancer. And his cancer gets rabies. And those rabies can't afford shoes.

Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey
Synopsis: In the "your deformity is there for a reason" vein of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (which Nestor references several times), a donkey's freak-ears help Joseph and Mary get to Bethlehem. Written for a 1977 television special. Submitted by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Jill Barrow Moran.

Dogs Barking Jingle Bells
Synopsis: Sit. Stay. Perform holiday classics. Good boy. Suggested by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Gail Hoffman Bastas.

Feliz Navidad
Synopsis: You can be an incredible guitar player and human being, but you'll mainly be remembered for a holiday earworm that keeps repeating the same 19 words, five of which are in Spanish.

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas
Synopsis: Beyond having more rhymes with "olly" than the worst improv game in history, the lyrics make no sense. "I don't know if there'll be snow, but have a cup of cheer?" Were they going to drink a cup of snow?

Wonderful Christmastime
Synopsis: The universe is based not on good and evil, but on the balance between. The world gives us both valleys and mountains, light and darkness, hope and despair. Paul McCartney wrote both Yesterday and this bit of synth-based yuletide garbage.

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
Synopsis: Child does not know that hippos are considered the most dangerous animal in Africa. Submitted by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Erin Burns.

The 12 Days of Christmas
Synopsis: I love you. Here's 184 birds.

So vote in the poll below and tell in the comments us why your pick is worst (and suggest songs we missed). We'll post the video of us singing it the morning of Dec. 25.

Merry Christmas and to all a silent night!

LISA HINES December 23, 2011 at 03:49 PM
ANYTHING sung by The Carpenters makes me want to do that !!!!!!!
Mr. Jack December 23, 2011 at 11:41 PM
Where was that that stupid "Dominic the Christmas Donkey" song in the voting choices? By far, THE most annoying song I have EVER heard!
LISA HINES December 24, 2011 at 04:45 AM
That donkey song was the first thing that popped into my head when I read the article......yet it wasn't on the list !!!!! What a travesty !!!!
Paul Dailing December 24, 2011 at 05:37 AM
Very obscure Internet bylaw that only allows one donkey-themed Christmas song per article. Also, we forgot about that one. "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" would also be up there if we could do it again.
Jaimie Cura December 27, 2011 at 06:14 PM
@Paul - Yes, that would have been a good choice too! There's always next year!


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